Before Your First Wax
I’m a hairy person. Very hairy. It’s probably punishment for walking under 3 too many ladders in middle school. Hair in my fridge and on my floor. Cursed for eternity. No escape from Beezelbub’s hairy grasp. Sometimes I wish someone would just dip me in a vat of hot wax and peel me like a banana. Ultimately, some might argue that that is essentially the waxing process without the danger of drowning. Is that TMI? Escape while you can, my sweet summer child, because if you’re not ready to read about vaginas today, you came to the wrong place. Everyone else, let’s talk about how to prepare for a Brazilian wax.
What is a Brazilian Wax?
Bikini waxes are great, but you know what’s better? B r a z i l i a n w a x e s. A Brazilian wax (or “The Full Betty” as we call it at Brow Betty) is when 110% of all the hair around your vag is removed in a somewhat graceful, yet painful fell swoop. Grooming is hard enough, but grooming down there… is… why not just scrap it all and forego the shower gymnastics? Picture this: smooth sexy times devoid of any stray pubes. Razorburn will be a cruel joke from your past. Living the dream once and for all. To think someone one day was like “Gertrude, do you know what I fancy to do on this fine Saturday morn? Rip out every hair follicle around my bum and cooch. Yes that’s exactly right, today I want to become a dolphin.”
Whaht ahh the Uhthah Options faw Down Unda?
If the idea of a Brazilian wax is giving you phantom pain, there are other options that can get your bikini area looking fab. What are the differences between bikini and brazilian waxes you ask?
Bikini Line Wax
A bikini line wax involves removing the hair from along the front edges of your bikini bottoms so nothing sneaks out without permission.
Full Bikini Wax
A full bikini wax is like a bikini line wax but with follow through across the top, along the bottom, and up the back to ensure a smooth and orderly edging for that basic manicured look.
French Bikini Wax
French bikini waxes have a certain kind of… je ne sais quoi about them. They’re basically a Brazilian wax but with a tasteful strip of groomery just in case you’re too scared to say goodbye to your fuzz. At Brow Betty, we call this the “Hi Hollywood.”
Brazilian Wax Tips
To survive a Brazilian wax, you will need some hot tips from a seasoned pro to take on your journey to enlightenment. First thing to know: as you can imagine it isn’t particularly… fun. How bad does a Brazilian wax hurt? It’s definitely not great when it’s your first time. Eventually, you do get used to it, and some people even consider it less painful than leg waxing. Here are 7 first time Brazilian wax tips:
1. Grow Your Garden
This may sound counterintuitive but in order to get a good ol’ shiny vaginy, you need to grow it out until your hairs are about a grain of rice in length (¼ of an inch). It can be longer, too. The length is needed so the wax can grip the hairs. Whatever you do, do NOT shave before your appointment. We must surprise them when they’re least expecting it. And when they’ve thought they’ve won.
2. Scrub-A-Dub
In general, it’s probably a great idea to clean and exfoliate that area pretty regularly, but most definitely when you’re gonna have a technician all up in your business. I feel like we all kinda all knew that, yeah? Cool. A shower beforehand is preferred, but if you’re in the middle of your day, baby wipes can be your hero.
3. Parting the Red Sea
Growing up, my parents called periods “Fred” and that has plagued my mind for 14 years, so this knowledge is my gift to you, my friend. Fred sometimes came knocking a little early, so the real question I guess is can you mixy mixy with the period and the undercarriage wax? We strongly recommend waiting until after your time of the month to come in. Sometimes you have a thing and you gotta do what you gotta do, and our waxing specialists are skilled at avoiding tampon strings, but for sanitation and sensitivity purposes, rescheduling is probably best for everyone. If you have too many cooks in your kitchen, everyone’s gonna have a bad time—luckily, you can cancel your appointment up to 24 hours in advance.
4. Let Your Bits Breathe
Prepare for the warzone. Your bits are not gonna be happy for about a day—soreness and a little redness is normal. If you’re a masochist, feel free to wear tight pants and lacy panties, but for everyone else, grab your softest undies and some sweatpants because giving things some breathing room should really be your number one priority.
5. Warm Up Your Muscles
You are limber. You are strong. You can spread for that 25-minute rip sesh—we believe in you. Stretch everything you can and practice your best butterfly pose before going to your appointment. Car yoga is a thing… right? Warrior 5? Cross console bridge?
6. Just Breathe
Preparing to have all your cooch follicles kidnapped from their homes isn’t something anyone is really ever ready for, especially if it’s your first time. Once you’re spread eagle on the table, though, there isn’t much more you can do to prepare yourself other than to just take a deep breath and ask your local politicians for guidance through the next 24 hours. The best way to fight pain is to squeeze something so tight that it hurts, and I’m not talking about kegels—bring a stress ball for SURE. Relax. What doesn’t kill you makes you sexy, right? Or something like that.
7. Prepare for the Final Countdown
So you have the pain tolerance and emotional capacity of a small lemon, what do you do? Modern science gave us painkillers for a reason. But if you’re not a fan of my #1 homie ibuprofen, you may find yourself gravitating towards a shot of fermented potato juice to take the edge off—try to hold yourself back. Alcohol—and caffeine for that matter—make the process more painful and sometimes can even cause bleeding. If you’re going to take a shot anyway (c’mon y’all), just do NOT mix it with painkillers.